The horrible thing that proved to me my need for Jesus

How I finally understood the love of Jesus for myself

3-5 minute read. Audio also included for those who prefer to listen.

The dream you never want to have

I had a terrible dream.

My friend Kyle and I stalked a train station. The crowds hustled by, but Kyle and I were on a calculated mission. A really horrible mission.

We made eye contact across the room, and I tilted my head towards the old lady walking along the platform. She was happy. For now. Kyle began his pursuit.

I watched Kyle greet her, descend the subway stairs, and lead her around the corner where no one could see.

The plan was working flawlessly.

I had hired him to murder her.

As I stood at the top of the platform, realizing my crime, I started to freak out. I searched for an escape vehicle, but I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I had no plan. I ran breathless by strangers in the parking lot, frantic for a way out, for freedom from what I’d done.

It would be a matter of time before they found her body, found Kyle, and found me.

My life was over.

And then I woke up.

What the dream meant to me

As a lifelong Christian, I've always struggled to believe I actually needed saving. Saving? What from? I never had a rebellious phase. I never slept around or did drugs or got hammered. My sins were always “pretty good” sins. I’m a “pretty good” guy after all.

But Jesus has words for people like me:

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” (Matthew 5:21-22 ESV)

And, possibly more convicting,

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Simply put, if I have anger in my heart towards my brother, it’s like I’ve killed him. If I look at a woman lustfully, it’s like I’ve slept with her.

Holy cow. I am desperately guilty. And I cannot escape.

The dream showed me that even though I haven’t murdered anyone with a knife or had adulterous sex, I’ve done it a thousand times in my heart.

I am desperately in need of forgiveness.

The song that came out

So what now?

Thank the Lord he didn’t leave me there.

This Good Friday, the same week as my dream, I encountered a whole new angle to the love of God.

As we sang, I asked the Father to make Jesus my reward — JESUS, not the things Jesus gives. And with my eyes closed, I could almost see him hanging there on the cross, “marred beyond recognition” as Isaiah prophesied. He was unrecognizable, drenched with blood and struggling to breathe. For me?

And I was crying because I finally understood the love of Jesus.

I finally understood why I needed his blood.

And as he hung on that cross, the soil beneath him wet with blood, I finally saw:

He is glorious.

Not just in theory.

But to me.

He is glorious to me.

Thank you, Jesus, for the blood.

Toby DeMoss